Day 14 (04-Oct-13) Las Vegas - Los Angeles (278 miles)

And so we bid Adieu  - to Simon, his legion of followers… and of course Bob! Having dropped Simon off at the MGM Grand to ‘lick his wounds’, Astrid and I headed off for the final leg to Los Angeles. This was an uneventful, and, for the first time this trip, a rather dull drive, with no interesting scenery or other distractions worthy of note. It was thus all we could do to simply stay awake! Once we eventually arrived at our motel close to LAX airport, we elected to quickly unpack and drive to Santa Monica, for a walk along its famous pier and a light dinner. The pier is of course the starting point for the equally famous drive along Route 66, which ends at the Great Lakes near Chicago. 

The following day, we frequented a number of iconic sites in and around Los Angeles, including Venice beach, the Hollywood Sign, the Hollywood Bowl, the Walk of Fame along Hollywood Blvd, Sunset Strip on Sunset Blvd, Beverly Hills and of course Rodeo Drive. After soaking up the traffic jams, polluted air, crowded streets, and innumerable street touters, we gladly retreated to the airport for a final few hours together in the piece and quiet of the Qantas lounge. Reflecting on the day's activities, and those in Las Vegas, they were a far cry from life exploring the various national parks at the start of our holiday - with the latter being far more enjoyable.

And so finally at 21:30hrs, I bade Astrid farewell and headed for my flight to Denver, eventually arriving in Laramie at 04:00hrs, in deep snow, and with the rental car buffeted by 50+ mph gusts along the final section from Cheyenne on I-80. Astrid departed on flight to Brisbane three hours later, whch was a far more comfortable affair. She arrived back home Monday morning (after loosing a day cross the international dateline), in stiffling Summer heat. After dropping off the luggage, Astrid jumped in the car to collect the cats, with Floyd sporting a new thin coat, having been shaved the day before. The look of indignation on his face left no misunderstanding as to his views on this matter. Shamrock, our little Princess, expressed her dissatisfaction at being locked up with her brother for two weeks by screaming loudly all the way home.

Day 13 (03-Oct-13) Las Vegas (62 miles)

Being quite nonplussed by Q's "Viva Las Vegas baby!" exclamation of yesterday, I quickly began to realise this was entirely due to him having been a good student of Simon's. Had I only realised that Simon had been passing subliminal messages to Q throughout the holiday, I would have surely put a stop to the madness. However, as it was too late for any such measures now, I simply had to pretend all was normal and ignore the weird utterances from both gentlemen, even if it meant being woken up at 06:30 hrs by Quentin dancing through the room. While he checked for any tatoos, missing teeth, unwanted breast implants, and four-legged guests, I chose to attend to e-mails and write this blog. After 10-15 minutes, Quentin returned to claim nothing untoward had happened to him, though I have yet to here Simon's side of the story - assuming he is still in the hotel and can account for his whereabouts last night.

We assembled in the lobby at 08:00hrs (waiting as ever on Simon, who despite having more gadgets on his personage than Inspector Gadget, seems unable to set an alarm on any of them). We then drove the short distance to Hoover Dam, a marvel of engineering, enterprise, ingenuity, endeavour and shear hard work. While parts were closed due to the US government shutdown, the dam itself is state-run, with walking access provided across the old road running across the top of the dam and various vantage points either side. The dam is truly iconic, and was instrumental in taming the Colorado, while at the same time provided a means to irrigate the vast, and otherwise arid, south western US states, and generating electricity for over a million households. The facts and figures regarding the construction of the dam almost beggars belief; not least the feats of the 5000+ workers that toiled to first divert the Colorado river through four tunnels around the construction site, and then the construction of the dam itself. 

More spectacular views of the dam are provided from the walkway across the new Mike O’Callaghan-Pat Tillman memorial bridge situated a short distance down river. The bridge, opened in 2010, and carrying US 93 across the Colorado, was the first concrete-steel composite arch bridge built in the USA, and took as long to complete as the Hoover Dam (5 years). The bridge has a length of 1,900 feet (579 m) and a 1,060 ft (320 m) span. The roadway is 900 ft (270 m) above the Colorado River and four lanes wide. It includes the widest concrete arch in the Western Hemisphere and is also the second highest bridge in the USA, with the arch 840 ft (260 m) above the river. The views from the walkway going north over the bridge, to the Colorado river below, are quite dizzying.
 

Suitably impressed, we head back to the Hotel to attend to a few more chores, expend more energy in the gym and then set off again at 17:30hrs for an evening on The Strip. Simon acted as tour guide, providing a first-person account of life in the many different casinos, as we trudged through each to take in the sights and sounds, and gork at the multitudes that had descended on this small piece of Nirvana. It was a most enjoyable evening, and  was reminiscent of life in Dubai in many respects – minus the gambling of course. It was also evident from Simon's many anecdotes of long, intoxicated, nights, spent at various clubs, bars, dens of inequity and other questionable establishments, that he had 'donated' a sizeable chunk of his estate to the alter of hedonism down the years. Even a few of the wretched homeless that we encountered knew him by name!

Day 12 (02-Oct-13) Grand Canyon North Rim - Las Vegas (270 miles)

I will start today's entry with an apology. A number of follower's of this blog have commented that my sardonic barbs, aimed at Simon, reveal a homophobic hatred for the man. Far from it, I love Simon as much as any man - except Bob, who loves him VERY much. What follow's is a 'cut-and-paste' of pure drivel, submitted by the man himself....

 

After our early morning escape from Grand Canyon National Park, which had been in lockdown mode since Monday, we decided to head straight for Vegas, on a long and winding road. First Astrid (Dominatrix), then 'Mother', took turns at the wheel, with people in electric strollers passing us by. On eventual arrival in Sin City, we checked in at the Rio Casino & Suites hotel, where Sheldon clearly showed that he had some empathy with this town, shouting "Viva Las Vegas baby" as he entered the reception area. He then immediately went to the Casino to count cards....... 

 

Astrid & I left him to his highly illegal pursuit (he can count 4 decks using String Theory apparently) while we checked into our suites. It was only later that afternoon when I found out that the choice of Rio Casino & Suites was no mere happenstance. The Morgans had both packed Rio Carnival Mardi Gras outfits, which they wore to dinner that evening, despite my protestations. It was like being with Mr & Mrs Barry Manalo.
 

 We decided to book tickets to see Rock of Ages Musical at the Venetian, so after changing their attire we headed back to the 80's (have Q&A ever left them???) for a fabulous trip down memory lane, when we all met in Holland over 25 years ago... Nostalgia was all around us, with Q, decked out in his usual attire, fitting in beautifully...... No rental costumes necessary for him. After almost 14 days on a 'Geological Ages of Rock' tour, it was somehow fitting that in Vegas I should take Q to the 'Rock of Ages' musical, where he clearly demonstrated that I knew much more about musicals than geology.

And remember, "What happens in Vegas , stays in Vegas". And so with that in mind, while Astrid & I retired to our chambers after a few beers for a frenzy of darting tongues,  Simon elected to wander The Strip, in search of the wierd and outright strange....

 

Day 11 (01-Oct-13) North Rim Grand Canyon (16 miles)

Despite Simon clearly being at death's door, Q showed no mercy - the alarm went off at 05:30 hrs. Q leapt out of bed, and got straight to the task of dragging the crew to Imperial Point (at 8,900ft the highest point on the North Rim) to capture the sunrise; and proclaim "shot of the day" in the process.

 

The rigours of this march, allied to the 2C (34 F) morning temperatures, proved too much for Simon. Though he collapsed on the trail, we (Q&A) nontheless left him for dead; opting to power on in true Klingon warrior tradition instead. After hours spent crawling on hands and knees (parallels of Touching the Void), Simon eventually made it to the cabin, whereapon he dragged himself back to bed. Cocooned under multiple blankets, he fought the fever that was so melodramatically ravaging his body, with the high altitude exaserbating his precarious condition. Damn The Sheldon plague...... Simon's last thoughts before losing consciousness!!

 

With Simon left to safely die a slow miserable death (which probably involved clinging on to anyone unsuspecting the seriousness of his illness - man flu), Quentin and I 'headed for the hills', or to be more precise, canyon, in this instance. Leveraging his OCD skills (though he prefers to refer to his condition as OCO), Quentin had thoroughly researched the route we were to take and had prepared me mentally for the hardships to come.

We reached the start of the North Kaibab Trail (8,241 ft) at 08:45hrs, and having read the warning about possible mule encounters, headed downhill for the Roaring Springs (5,020 ft). With weather being very pleasant at this early hour we made good progress, allowing ourselves time only for more "shots of the day". We did not notice the soft sand on the trail gradually filling our shoes until we were barely able to put one foot in front of the other. The added stop to empty our shoes of the sand dunes that had accumulated therein came as a most welcome relief.

Upon reaching the end of the mule trail at Supai Tunnel (6,800 ft), some 1.25 hrs in to our trek, we had a quick drink and refilled water bottles at the tap conveniently located there. Onwards and downwards we went, literally walking back through time! The trek down the side of the canyon passes through a number of sandstone, shale and mudstone formations, spanning the Permian to Devonian epochs, each with distinct faceies and colour. Vistas were absolutely stunning, adding to our sincere feelings of compassion, sorrow and concern for poor Simon, who was left to fend for himself in the little log cabin that was our shared room for the night. That said, I will not regale you with detailed "tales of the unexpected" that occurred during the middle of the night, when Simon, in his own words, was "looking for the bathroom".....Suffice to say Simon is clearly missing his girlfriend!

We reached Roaring Springs at 11:30 hrs. The name given to this spot is quite apposite, as water emerges from a spring in the cliff face from the side of the canyon and roars down to the Colorado river (2,400 ft). We had a quick lunch, while spying this natural wonder, and then started on the long uphill return to the canyon rim at 11:45hrs. At this altitude, and with the air temperature now approaching 100F, we elected to go slowly - NOT! We managed the return hike in the same time it took to descend the canyon, overtaking legions of laggards in the process.

We reached the rim at 14:15hrs and then drove back to the lodge for a well earned cup of tea. There, we spotted Simon, replete with very bulbous red nose, streaming eyes, and a missing back bone. He had managed to extricate himself from bed and was slumped in a chair on the terrace. We spent the rest of the afternoon attending to simple chores and modifying the itinerary for the remainder of our expedition - a situation enforced by the closure of all US national parks.

We then head out back to Imperial Point for photos of the sunset, which was more spectacular than sunrise. After returning to the lodge we booked an early dinner - a simple and alcohol-free affair for Q&A, not so much for Simon!  

Day 10 (30-Sep-13) Page - North Rim Grand Canyon (203 miles)

As is our usual custom we were 'up and at it' at 06:30 hrs in Page, with the crew splitting up for the Antelope Slot Canyon guided tour. Simon went on the 8 o'clock early morning departure and Q&A took the 10:30 hrs 'special' tour, specifically structured for 'real photographers'. This is one of the great photo opportunities on the Colorado Plateau, and much soughtafter. The tours are run by the Navajo tribe and the amazing combination of sunlight & sandstone produce some almost ethereal, yet otherworldly images, which mere words fail to do justice. So, given my limited vocabulary, I shall refrain from doing so. Suffice to say, the Navajo do know how to 'pack them in'!!

As always, there are  a few minutes to spare only in colonel Q's almost militaristic timetable. So, after grabbing a salad from Safeway, we immediately left Page, in blazing sunshine, for the North Rim of the Grand Canyon. Despite Q's brave & provocative words of the previous day's blog, he quite unexpectedly developed some driving skills, and drove below, or near, the speed limit for much of the route. This was in the place of his usual headlong maniacal F1 antics, conducted whilst simultaneously taking photos, programming the Garmin GPS and eating or drinking. He became 'Mother' for the day!

Huge flashfloods had washed away the main road out of Page, so we were forced to detour almost 70 miles to re-join I-89. The quest for the "Canyon sunset shot of the day" was now a race against time! We eventually entered the park, with the scenery immediately giving way from the brutal sandstone cliffs & brush-covered prairies to soft rolling meadows and woodlands. These comprised a mix of perennial elms and evergreen pines, with the elms covered in Autumnal yellow leaves. We passed several groups of Mule Deer grazing nonchalantly at the roadside, barely registering our presence as we stopped to photograph them. Fortunately, we are experiencing glorious weather, with middle 90's (mid 30's) during the day, dependant upon altitude of course. After arriving at the Iconic Grand Canyon Lodge, we dumped our bags and rushed down to the sunset boulevards to catch the fading rays across the canyons.

The impending US government shutdown, triggered by their precipitous dive over the fiscal cliff, hung ominously over our schedule, as the first casualties of the gridlock are the National Parks. The budget for 2014 has not been agreed, yet despite the fact that the Parks actually make money for the government, they are the first to be shutdown.....go figure that one?? It was finally confirmed over dinner that the Parks were closing, with no new  visitors permitted to enter. However, we soon learned that those already in the park would be allowed to stay until the Thursday - what unbelievable luck! We thus elected to extend our stay at the Lodge, and watched a mass exodus of other very irate tourists stampede for the exit. A strange way to run a country and even stranger way to encourage tourists!

As ever, we were wholly unperturbed by these disruptions & challenges and settled into a couple of bottles of Californian Pinot Grigio to review our contingency options. To smile in the face of adversity, such a British trait, is Q's mantra. So, as we tucked into a sumptuous meal in the main dining room, the Canyon itself seemed to be staring back at us in all its splendour, questioning our next move...... We would not disappoint her....

Well, mine was straight to bed as I finally succumbed to Sheldon's alien strain of man flu (Astrid appeared to have immunity) and collapsed into my pit to produce gargantuan volumes of space slime, develop a fever and be in desperate need of some TLC and medication. As you would expect, none was forthcoming..... The Morgan's follow a brutal Spartan code of honour devoid of even the merest hint of humanity.  It was therefore a long night of coughing & spluttering.... punctuated by dashes to the throne room.

Day 9 (29-Sep-13) Moab - Page (283 miles)

After the previous night’s excesses, bodies and minds were very fragile when the ‘Gang of 5’ assembled for breakfast at 08:30hrs. In contrast to the barely contained excitement and engaging conversation of just 24hrs earlier, breakfast today was a decidedly muted affair. Simon, in addition to suffering various self-induced and transmitted physical ailments (and possibly one or two congenital psychological ones too), also found himself owning a sick computer, as the hard disk had completely crashed. I personally would have succumbed to a fit of epileptic rage had that occurred to me. Simon, however, to his great credit, exhibited ‘True Grit’, accepting the gravity of the situation with great aplomb and a level of stoicism not seen since Major-General Gordon was heard to say ‘Oh Dear’, just before he was beheaded, following the complete annihilation of his forces at Khartoum by local rebels, in 1885. 

Following decidedly muted recollections of our trip to Canyonlands and discussions of plans ahead, we went our separate ways to attend to personal errands. We then convened one final time for tearful farewells in the car park at the La Quinta, with Dave & Kerri flying back to Houston, while ‘Q&A’ plus ‘Third Wheel’, continued on to Page, Arizona.

The journey to Page was uneventful, but as with every car journey to date on this holiday, very scenic. The transect of Monument Valley park through Navajo lands was particularly spectacular – we half expected to see John Wayne emerge from behind one of the many buttes. Again, the clear sunny skies and verdant plains (the result of recent severe storms that spanned Arizona, Utah and Colorado) perfectly offset the many freestanding ochre red buttes and massifs dotted across the park. Other than a few stops for obligatory snaps of the pristine and almost extra-terrestrial landscape (many ‘photo-bombed’ by Simon), we made our way, slowly - very, very slowly – to Page, with ‘Aunty’ (Simon’s schizophrenic half-blind doppelganger of ‘Mother’) at the wheel.
 

Once in Page we immediately made for Antelope Canyon Tours to try and get Simon a place on our particular tour of this famous slot canyon, scheduled for the following day. Alas, they we temporarily closed for a ‘pow wow’ among staff. We thus headed to our hotel instead, and after numerous phone calls, managed to get Simon a place with another group. With no escape routes from this very deep and narrow canyon, and even a pin drop reverberating with deafening cacophony off the canyon walls, I fear for the sanity of those entering the canyon with Simon tomorrow - lambs to the slaughter on a scale that demotes Passchendaele to a brief military skirmish by comparison.

With the imminent demise of so many weighing heavily on our minds, we elected to do a little exploring around the Glen Dam, which took 10 years to complete, and opened in 1966. Situated on the Colorado river, Lake Powell quickly formed behind this massive structure, with the city of Page growing around the dam during its construction. The views of the lake and the canyons around its edge are truly stunning.

Day 8 (28-Sep-13) Canyonlands NP (88 miles)

We awoke to clear blue skies, with temperatures for the day not expected to exceed 70F. The air was also crystal clear, with an occasional slight breeze masking an otherwise fierce sun (as attested by our very sun-burnt faces). After yet another leisurely start and equally enjoyable fibre-and-fruit-filled breakfast, we embarked on a day trip to Canyonlands NP, driving along the ‘Island In The Sky’ mesa. Even at the park entrance, the views down into Shaefer Canyon literally took our breath away. Following some scrambling for obligatory ‘shots of the day’, which involved navigating over some precariously exposed boulders, we continued into the park.  

A view of our next stop is available to anyone with a computer running Windows 7 – it is included in the default library of desktop backdrops.  Mesa Arch is perched on the edge of the cliff face that drops down from the mesa to the White Rim plateau +/- 1500ft below. Simon, always on the lookout for a suitable setting for his next lifesize self-portrait painting, fearlessly scrambled onto the roof of the arch and proceeded to complete 10 push-ups under the gaze of stunned, dumbfounded, bemused, amazed and a not a few annoyed tourists. After grudgingly relinquishing his ‘throne’, the assembled masses were able to capture photos of the view through the arch to the massive canyon system far below – Gooseberry Canyon, Buck Canyon and Lathrop Canyon.

Suitably impressed, we continued south along the mesa, stopping off at Candlestick Tower Overlook, Buck Canyon Overlook and Orange Cliffs Overlook, before arriving at Grand View Point Overlook. The views from here defy description, easily exceeding my not inconsiderable lexicon of superlatives. To the east is the Colorado river and the west the Green river, with the confluence of both easily visible due south at 12 miles. Further south still are The Needles, a long buttress extending east from the confluence, featuring sharp castellations. The vistas extended in all directions to the far-off horizon, which given our elevation, was +/-50 miles distant, with the snow-covered tops of mountains to the south-east visible over 80 miles distant.

The ideal weather conditions, high perch, and with the sun past its Zenith, made for ideal photography. Our only problem was trying to figure out how to capture the vast landscape on camera. Astrid’s solution was to divide the 180-degree panorama into sectors, and then photograph each in exquisite detail, using her ‘weapon of choice’. She will then ‘stitch’ the various photos together at a later date – I can’t wait to see the final result. Suitably impressed, we then embarked on a 1-mile hike westward along the edge of the mesa for better views back of the massive buttes rising from the Soda Springs Basin to the east. After retracing our steps, we continued eastward for better views of the Colorado river system.
 

On returning to the car, we headed back north along the mesa and forked left at Mesa Arch for a hike up the Whale Rock. This afforded us fantastic views of Candlestick Tower, a butte which rises over 2000ft from the Soda Springs basin. We could also see other sections of the Green River. Duly impressed, we headed back to the park entrance, intending on retracing our steps back to Moab. However, on the way back, we elected to take a quick detour to visit Dead Horse Point state park. This 10 mile detour provided much better views of the Colorado river, which meanders in large bows towards Moab, and ultimately discharges into Lake Powell.

Now completely drained we limped back into Moab to revive body and mind, using means to access parts unreachable with traditional medicines, or alternative homeopathic remedies - alcohol. So immediate was this impact that we elected to immediately follow-up with dinner – and more alcohol!

Day 7 (27-Sep-31) Arches NP (41 miles)



Following leisurely breakfast at 08:00hrs, Simon elected to spend the day entertaining himself – more on that escapade from himself later. The Morgans & Nowowiejskis instead spent a leisurely day back in Arches NP to visit some of the many other landmarks, in particular the famous Delicate Arch. Getting there however involves a strenuous 1 mile hike up the side of a large sandstone massif.  We thus decided to prepare our bodies first with a hike to the more accessible Windows, via a scramble to the Double Arch and Cove of Caves.

Following obligatory numerous photo stops, water stops and even greater number of toilet stops (none of us seemingly have particularly strong bladders) we drove to Wolfe Ranch; the starting point for the hike to the Delicate Arch. There, we first visited the small wooden cabin that was home to the Wolfe family at the turn of the last century. They ran a small cattle farm in this beautiful yet unforgiving place. The hard physical work required to survive in this arid terrain, and the tiny cabin that was home to two adults and four children, comes as a great shock to many park visitors. Emboldened by the hardiness of these settlers, we embarked on our hike up to the Delicate Arch (though for some reason David preferred to refer it as the Tender Arch). After much panting and weasing, we eventually reached our destination, with the NPS clearly intent on ensuring that only those willing to go the full distance be rewarded with spectacular views of the arch and its vertiginous surroundings.

 

After a few minutes spent taking photos of the arch, from various angles, Kerri decided she’d had enough and so retreated to the safety of a flat hollow. The rest of us followed after absorbing the fabulous vistas stretching in all directions to distant horizons. We then slowly descended back to the car, where we had ‘lunch’ (trail mix, beef jerky and a few energy bars).  Suitably rested and refreshed, we then drove slowly to the Devil’s Garden Trailhead for 0.5 mile hike to the Landscape Arch. This equally famous landmark, spanning 290.1ft, is the longest natural arch in the world, and almost appears to defy gravity. With Astrid and Kerri electing to stay behind to capture photos of this natural wonder, Dave & I scrambled up one of the rock fins to visit nearby Navajo Arch and Partition Arch, with the later affording spectacular views of the snow-covered mountains behind Moab. We then decided to explore the surrounding canyon to find a vantage point from which we could look back down onto Landscape Arch. After some false trails our efforts were duly, and suddenly, rewarded. The views of the arch, and Fiery Furnace labyrinth behind, were literally dizzying.

 

We hastily retreated from our perch to be back with our women, after which we made our way slowly out of the park, stopping now and then for photos of the late afternoon sun, casting big shadows over the many buttes, hoodoos, arches and pinnacles. On the way back to town we also stopped to view some ancient Petroglyphs, which sadly had been partially vandalised in 1980 – with many expletives uttered at this desecration. After a few beers at a local ‘spit-n-sawdust' joint, we showered and then feasted and wined at a fabulous Italian restaurant.

 

Captain Sweatpants Log - Supplemental

 

The arrival of crew re-enforcements from star base Houston enabled me to rent a shuttle RZR ATV vehicle, beam down alone to the planet's surface. The thought of this great solitude in this huge expanse of wilderness, after days of umpiring the Morgan marriage, made my spirits soar! I looked forward to exploring the veritable moonscape that lay outside of carefully manicured Arches National Park, particularly at speeds of up to 40 km ( heart rate 65 this time) on clearly marked tracks.

 

Despite specific map instructions not to attempt Seven Mile Rim! I found myself inexorably drawn to the challenge of the precipitous climbs, impassable ridges and long sandy up & downhills sections. As is often the case, I came to regret the moment when my over confidence met my inexperience and inability to manifest itself in pure terror!!

 

It had all begun so well when I headed at high speed to Uranium Arch and then more circumspectly over rocks & boulders along the ridge to Monitor Butte & Merrimac Butte, massive individual structures on a rocky outcrop. Of course that is where the trouble started....... Traversing this outcrop required climbing vertical walls above Wipeout Pass (they are not known for exaggerating with their descriptions in Utah), clinging to impossible ridges and over the pass before hurtling down into what days earlier had been a raging riverbed (Wadi) after the flash floods. There really were moments where I thought we were going to roll down the precipitous, smooth rock faces and came to understand why they had such re-in forced roll cages in these vehicles.......Well, me and RZR survived and sped off to Determination Towers (how very apt!!) at maximum warp speed to catch the now forming cotton wool cloud formations gathering around clearly distinguishable micro weather systems over the mountains.

To complete a fabulous 50km loop, I stopped at Tusher Tunnels and walked through the system to emerge into another valley in bright sunshine with stunning views. A massive downhill run back to base camp to meet the 5 o'clock deadline, transfer into the Murano and then a Deep Tissue Aromatherapy Massage by a lady who appeared to have a map of the entire Moab region tattooed across her body. Her powerful hands and deep kneading caused trauma to most of my internal organs with occasionally her thumb prints protruding through my chest.

A fabulous day, in wonderful solitude, destroyed only by the prospect of a full house Italian dinner and a scientific update from Quentin Attenborough....... 

 

Day 6 (26-Sep-13) Capitol Reef NP - Arches NP (212 miles)

Having finally been allowed to escape the parallel universe created by Captain Sweatpants and Sheldon, I feel it is my duty to give a more accurate and factual account of today’s proceedings. I apologise for the lack of embellishment, exaggeration, twisting of facts and outright lies, used by my fellow travellers to draw you in to their world of fantasy - and my world of hurt. This may of course, make for less entertaining reading, however, it should provide you with a more balanced report of our trip.

Wake up call was at 06:00 hrs. As I have the pleasure of sharing a room with someone suffering a mild case of the flu, my roommate (also known as husband) nonetheless insisted on attempting to expel copious amounts of phlegm overnight, ensuring neither of us could have a decent nights’ sleep. An excellent start to the day!

Prior to commencing our drive down/up to Moab, we stopped off at a little European style café for a quick breakfast and obligatory wakeup cupper. As no points of major interest were to be encountered en route it was deemed most prudent to have a reliable, yet speedy, driver take control of today’s journey to Moab. I decided that should be me, rather than Captain Sweatpants (a.k.a. “Mother” when behind the wheel) or Sheldon (who really should never be behind any wheel of any vehicle).

Today we were scheduled to meet up with Dave and Kerri Nowowiejski, who were kind enough to make the trek across country from Houston to spend some time with us. Unfortunately, the planned Fiery Furnace tour would start prior to their arrival, which meant we would not be able to have our long overdue reunion until later that evening. This also meant trying to keep Simon safe from himself, and others from him, whilst attempting to enjoy a guided tour through the infamous labyrinth of the Fiery Furnace. A similar area in this region was made famous by Aaron Rolston, who had to cut off his forearm when struck by catastrophe.

To ensure we would reach the designated meeting point on time, we decided to “slowly” make our way through the park and already take in some of the scenic vistas we encountered en route. With Quentin also having visited this park on a previous occasion, we were treated to warnings such as “you’ll really like this one”, “I’m looking forward to the look on your face when you see the next one” and comments such as the obligatory “shot of the day!”. Thus enlightened, we reached our meeting point in good time, barely allowing us a quick restroom stop.

As the members of the group slowly gathered, it became clear that the term “arduous” used to describe the trek surely could not be correct. We found ourselves mixing with people made up of old, young, tall, short, fit and the not so fit. Simon immediately managed to bully some members of our group into conversation and we, as ever, felt obliged to provide a warning as to the risks involved in reciprocating with any hint of politeness - which is seen as weakness by the Interlocutor Troll. However, for some reason, our warnings continue to fall on deaf ears,  possibly because our interjections come too late, with victim's hearing already irreperably damaged. Indeed, some people even seemed happy to talk to Simon. However, it is not until you get to see the blank, startled-deer, look in their eyes that you realise all is not well, and that a means of escape should be provided.

Our tour guide for the day, Ranger Amanda provided a brief description of what was to be expected, and once everyone was aware those taking part would be responsible for themselves, and any children they brought with them, we descended into the canyon. Although constant attention was required to ensure a safe descent, the trek proved to be quite easy, with frequent stops along to the way to provide Ranger Amanda the opportunity to educate us on canyon history, and its flaura and fauna. Three hours after setting off we emerged with all members of the group present and accounted for, and each making a hasty retreat to the safety of their vehicles, out of earshot from Simon. The only person we’d been able to spare the harangue of the Interlocutor Troll was our guide, but that was only after convincing Simon she was vital to our survival, and should therefore not be distracted by, or engaged in, conversation.

As the sun was not its usual self during the afternoon, we were spared the sweltering temperatures that normally prevail in these canyons during this time of year. Therefore, although we felt we should reward ourselves with a post-exercise drink, our retreat from the park was marked by more stops at various scenic points. Once back in Moab we checked in to our hotel, and after reaching Dave and Kerri, made arrangements for the evenings’ entertainment. Simon discovered that Moab would be hosting a “Gay Pride” party at the weekend, so was eager to sample what the town has to offer on special occasions such as this. He therefore decided he should meet in our “local”. I shall not go in to the details of the state Simon was in when we eventually met him in said local. Suffice to say he has now added the addresses of various biker dudes to his Black Book.

We finally met Dave and Kerri on the way to the restaurant, and following warm felt hugs all around, and introductions to (and some quietly whispered warnings about) Simon, we dived in to our old habit of eating and merry drinking.

Day 5 (25-Sep-13) Bryce Canyon NP - Capitol Reef NP (176 miles)

Captain's Blog - star date?? The Trekkie Big Bang US Road Trip continues...

 

Having managed to temporarily incapacitate the alien being known to many as Q, to others as his latest incarnation, Sheldon, Mork, or Spock (half human), or to me as Data (fully Android), we have temporarily managed to gain control of the blog records. Using my recently acquired Suunto Ambit 2 sports watch, featuring 8 sensors (the real 'hebbe dingje' which Q modified one evening into a Star Trekkie Tri-corder) I have only been able to detect 2 human life forms in the vehicle, Astrid (Penny, or is it Mindy) and I.  

Q (first science officer) has been producing copious amounts of a green mucous material, coughing & spluttering his way through our adventures "to boldly cough where few men have coughed before."  Simultaneously, he has been disgorging voluminous tomes of geological and scientific data and facts on the lunar type landscapes which we find ourselves in, whilst giving a detailed history of the creation of our solar system, including Earth, and also climate change. His internal hard drive however has apparently gone into an infinite loop sequence, that sees him take thousands of photos and then proclaim after each "shot of the day." This is usually followed by "glorious cover drive." Strangely there are never any people in Data's photos, something he calls visual pollution of great scenery......A reboot is clearly long overdue and I have administered the medication to do it. 

So back to today. We managed to sleep in until 07:00hrs, had coffee at the European style cafe 'Little L's', (which thankfully had US style prices), and then set a course with the Garmin GPS navigator to Capital Reef National Park, on the very edge of the heliosphere. Our first trek after the Visitors Centre briefing was up the Grand Wash gorge and into the canyon which time had clearly forgotten. Just days earlier the region was hit by flash floods, where 50% of the annual precipitation fell in 2 days, washing away many of the trails and roads in the area. Danger is our middle name.

Unperturbed, we ventured forth, coming across many petrified giant iguana's which littered our path, as we manoeuvred along the canyon floor. We half expected to see Raquel Welch in a loin cloth running towards us at any moment, chased by pre-historic creatures.........or perhaps by bands of marauding Australian misogynists. Sadly, this did not occur!!! This deep foreboding canyon was boxed in on both sides by steep walls of variegated sandstone and volcanic ash.

It tells the story of extraordinary geological change over hundreds of millions of years, caused by upthrusts of biblical proportions, cataclysmic events that saw ocean floors become mountains, mass extinctions (5 so far, with one, The Great Dying, eradicating 90% of all species), asteroid strikes, supervolcano eruptions, and most devastating of all, by Homo sapiens, who came to the area only 10,000 years ago.

Some 3 hours later we emerged battered and a little bruised and then set off for Capital Gorge, with its iconic Cassidy Arch and Golden Throne structures. The way my stomach was feeling the Golden Throne was a great destination!! On this occasion, we needed to travel fast and light, so I only took Data with me to chronicle my trip, most particularly the gym session on the very Arch itself which included 50 press ups at 7,000ft. Sadly, I had not counted on Data's alien physiology, where on the ascent my Suunto Tri-corder was registering my heart rate at 155 bpm, whilst his heart rate barely broke 100. We ran down the 1000 ft descent to re-join 'Penny', who was entertaining the locals with tales of derring-do and looking for a man named Aaron Andrews from Calgary.......

The photos attest to the amazing scenery and freaks of nature that we encountered along the way. As the sun began to set, huge winds blew up across the plains and we were forced to retreat to a Ribs And Steak house, affording glorious views of the Red Rock ranges, viewed through 3 bottles of Pinot Grigio, several Corona's and very large food portions. Q, as is his want, proceeded to consume his entire body weight in food, burped loudly and then retired to his quarters, taking Penny along with him. I stared into darkness with intrepedation, worrying what the morrow would bring once the ephedrine that I had added to Data's drink actually took effect.

Could I survive the full 14 days of the Trekkie Big Bang road trip, or would my head explode with all the knowledge that I was being drip fed in our Vulcan mind meld sessions??