Day 7 (07-Sep-2010) Kep - Takeo

The Grim Reaper paid a visit during the night to collect on the excesses of the day before, inflicting severe diarrhoea on myself, severe sun burn on Alex, with Desiree suffering flu-like symptoms. As such, I had to forego breakfast, aside to some Jasmine tea and a witch’s brew of charcoal and electrolyte tablets dissolved in water. Desiree popped enough pills to fill a packet of M&M’s and Alex coated herself in enough after-sun lotion to survive a nuclear holocaust. And so it was with greatly muted enthusiasm that we all mounted our bicycles for the 105km ride to Takeo, departing the hotel at 08:00hrs.

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Even at this early hour the sun was intense, with the heat and humidity taking its toll from the outset. Alex was forced to beat a retreat to the sheltered air-conditioned confines of the bus after +/- 15km, with her very puce complexion the result of both sun burn and heat exhaustion. The rest of us managed to struggle on to the first pit stop at 20km for much needed rehydration, shade, further coatings of sun cream and a visit to the Happy Tree. After a generous 15 minute break we continued on our way, stopping again after a further 20km. Along the entire route, Astrid and I stopped at regular intervals to film and capture photographs of the open plains, set against magnificent mountainous backdrops and blue skies filled with large fluffy cumulonimbus clouds. We would then have to cycle hard to catch up with the rest of the group, with Barry helping to pull us along (effortlessly, of course).

And so it continued, with a further break at 60km, before finally stopping for lunch at 12:30hrs, by which time we had completed a total of 75km. By now however most of the team had little appetite for food, with some munching on a few crackers, others some fruit, and myself 2 slices of Rivita, washed down with more charcoal and electrolytes to keep the stomach stable. The highlight was cans of ice-cold Angkor beer, which helped to dull the pain in body parts beyond the reach of any medication.

An hour later we embarked on the final 30km stretch to Takeo, with Alex joining us once again. This was actually the hardest stage, with no shade or wind to offer respite from the sun now bearing down on us mercilessly. To make matters worse, the road conditions deteriorated also, with +/- 10km covered by gravel only, with huge dust clouds from oncoming vehicles choking our breathing. After a final pit stop at 95km, we completed the final 10km over bumpy tarmac into Takeo at 15:00hrs, with Alex piping Simon to the post (twice) with everyone rushing into the Hotel reception to enjoy the air conditioning and down a few more beers.

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After an hour spent soaking away aches and pains, removing eye-watering stench and washing of clothes, some of the team sauntered into town for a tour of the local market. Others attended to admin. chores, with the remainder opting for a well earned nap. Simon has also decided to sell his Love Swing, go celibate and donate his Speedos to Orman Street hospital for children under 5 in protest at the news that Labour have secured support from enough independents to form the next Australian government.

Day 6 (06-Sep-2010) Kep

Today’s diary will be short as much of it was spent contemplating our journey to date from behind closed eyes while napping, sun bathing, enjoying full body massages or sucking down every cocktail on offer.

We were all most impressed with the renovated art deco style hotel xxx, which featured quite superb rooms. Bryan’s room was spectacular, with views over the infinity pool to the beach, its own outside entertainment area and sundeck on the roof.

Most of the motley crew opted to spend the morning on Rabbit Island, with Simon hounded during the entire stay by a pack of rabid wild dogs – clearly intent on amputating the gangrenous lower right leg. The rest took advantage of the idyllic setting to bask in the sun, swim in the surf, and read. Lunch was caught fresh before our very eyes and cooked on the beach where we enjoyed fresh black pepper crab, sea snails and fish.

The journey to and from the island was incredibly rough due to the windy conditions, raging storm and white tops breaking over the bow of an obviously dilapidated boat which appeared to have a re-cycled lawn mower for an engine. As a result the journey took longer than anticipated, with some passengers discovered gnawing on the remains of the poor cabin boy on return to the jetty.

Bryan was the most adventurous, hiring a 125cc scooter for the day for just $10. This enabled him to explore the countryside and replenish fiscal reserves at the ATM in Kam Pot. He also went sailboarding in the afternoon. Astrid & I opted to chill out, with the morning spent at the hotel pool, followed by an hour long massage of frail and exhausted torsos – truly pleasurable.

In fact, the entire crew also took advantage of the Spa in the afternoon, which featured a procession of tired & tortured bodies being coated in fragrant oils and beaten back into shape, if ever so gently!! Astrid, Alex and I ate a late lunch, washed down with a number of different cocktails, at our hotel. To help digest the food Astrid & I then went for a long walk along the coastline – a very scenic and picturesque setting that has all the right ingredients to become the next Phuket – at a third of the price and far more tranquil.

We eventually all convened at the hotel bar and restaurant to finish the day with more cocktails, a superb 5-course set dinner, washed down with some fine Oz & Chilean wine, and dished up with some erudite conversation (with Simon representing extreme fascist right wing views).

Day 5 (05-Sep-2010) Chau Doc - Kep

We were up early to wander the promenade and after another sumptuous breakfast overlooking the Mekong River we boarded another fast river boat to visit local fish farms managed by people that dwell on a floating village. Feeding the catfish sent them into a wild frenzy, churning the water into a virtual froth and soaking the tourists in the process. We then continued up river through a plethora of floating house boats & visited a community of Cham people who live on the river bank in houses built on high stilts to cater for the rise in water level during the rainy season. The highest water level encountered was in 2002, which was +/- 5m above the current level. We thought that Pakistan might learn a thing or two here.

After returning to the hotel we then boarded the bus and headed out of town for the start of today’s bike ride – our last in Vietnam. 30 minutes later we found ourselves on top of a big hill, mounted our bikes and hurled ourselves down to the plains below. Alas, shortly after veering off onto narrow country lanes among picturesque paddy fields, Simon’s overwhelming sense of self drove him to steal the day’s headlines once again by staging a flat tire and claiming it to be the result of a hit-and-run with a heavily armoured Rhino beetle.

Following quick repairs enacted by Hien in true F1 style, we continued on our idyllic mega transect of the Mekong Delta. Alas, the oppressive heat and humidity took its toll on Alex, who is a veritable traffic light; once her face turns bright red it really does mean stop!! She opted to recover in comfort of the air-conditioned bus and, chameleon-like, slowly revert back to lily white via amber and green. We arrived at Ba Chuc shortly before noon and visited the shrine erected in memory of the savage massacre of over 3000 villagers by the Khmer Rouge in April 1978. The hall of remembrance is adorned with photographs of the horrific torture and murder inflicted on these poor people. From my perspective at least, Vietnam’s subsequent invasion of Cambodia to end the barbaric Khmer Rouge regime is entirely understandable and justified by the graphic memorial assembled from the skulls & bones of it’s victims.

After lunching at Ba Chuc we then continued on the last stage to the border with Cambodia, arriving at 15:00hrs. The transfer into Cambodia was time consuming but uneventful, with the team presented new bikes for the final 30km stage into the Cambodian wilderness at 15:30hrs. The scenery along the way was simply stunning and a welcome distraction from the bone-shattering pot holes and craters littering the dirt track. Astrid was clearly invigorated by the experience, and got a 3^rd wind (just in front of Simon) for the last 15km, with Barry, Simon and myself in hot pursuit of the lady in pink. Barry, a.k.a. The Uber-Meister of Sweat, being the strongest cyclist, eased past Astrid over the last uphill section, hurling her into the undergrowth in the process. He pushed on to take the line honours, cheered on by his vast army of young fans who lined the dirt track for a ‘high five’ at every opportunity. I (Uber-Meister’s apprentice) battled the elements to finish a creditable second, losing well over 2 liters of liquid on the final 500m section, aqua-planning in at the last.

After completing 72km over the day, we crossed the finishing line at 18:10hrs, with the bus journey to the Hotel lasting a further two hours of intense bone rattling on what in Cambodia is termed as a super highway.

Day 4 (04-Sep-2010) Can Tho - Chau Doc

Following a most sumptuous breakfast we headed off by boat at 07:30hrs to visit the floating market. The torrential downpour meant nobody, not even the skipper, could tell which direction we were headed. Thankfully, the rain stopped before colliding into any boats. Unlike the floating market in Bangkok, which has morphed over the years to sell trinkets to legions of tourists, this particular floating market is a hive of agricultural commerce, with all manner of fruits and vegetables being battered and exchanged. Astrid did a great job with her Canon D5 capturing the essence of this local gem. And thence to the day’s bike ride.

Not satisfied with the spoils of yesterday’s victory, Simon yearned for immortality among the Pantheon of cycling legends from days of yore. To be revered in equal measure with the likes of Eddy Merckx, Robbie McEwen & Sir Chris Hoyle was simply too irresistible. And so it was, after just 15 seconds in the saddle, perhaps 20 at most, Simon feigned a tricky hand break turn on the bridge leaving the Floating Market. The result was magnificent – a deep gouge in his right shin. While some like myself were content to give him a standing ovation, others rushed to stem the massive loss of blood.

And the carnage only got worse, far eclipsing the great Precambrian mass extinction event. Bryan The Invincible decided he needed a facial mud pack rather than sun cream to protect his youthful looks and Astrid was not convinced by Donna’s performance the day before, and decided to test for herself the very slippery conditions. A close inspection of the ensuing blooded right knee, plethora of bruises to her right arm, and the massive grazing of her left hamstring was sufficient to convince her that indeed concrete can be slippery.

And then the heavens opened once again, with the next hour pitted against all that nature and lore could arraign against us, with the Four Horses of the Apocalypse chasing us along a giant BMX obstacle course towards the Gates of Armageddon. Finally we took shelter in the entrance to a small factory, with next half hour spent embalming Simon’s shin in plastic bags and self-adhesive tape.

With no signs of the rain abating we decided to continue on to out morning coffee break, miraculously avoiding further incident. The 2nd stage to lunch was also very pleasant, with the countryside revealing its stunning beauty as the sun slowly emerged from behind the clouds. In order to make up for lost time we took to the bus for the first 30km after lunch before then completing the day on bikes. This last stage took us along the open expanse of rice paddy fields in the Mekong delta stretching to the horizon in all directions. With Barry now at the front he found himself the focus of unfettered adulation by the local children, who rushed out from their homes for a ‘High-Five’ as we hurtled along the narrow dykes. The rest of us huddled under Ponchos to avoid being drenched by the splashback from his Fountain of Sweat.

And so finally, after brief stop at an Egret bird sanctuary , we were finally able to put up our spurs for the final bus ride to our Hotel for the night, arriving 19:30hrs.

Day 3 (03-Sep-2010) Mytho - Can Tho

Anthropological cacophony awoke most at 05:00hrs, with plenty of time therefore to pack for the stipulated departure at 08:00hrs. Again, we were spared cycling through town, with today’s ride commencing 08:30hrs along a quiet country lane. Almost immediately however we found ourselves imperilled, with Simon suddenly spotted digging for mud crabs with his nose. Shortly thereafter, Bryan The Invincible attempted a flawless hands-free dismount – but failed miserably, with the cleat on his left foot still firmly attached to the pedal as he + bike bounced off the concrete with a coefficient of restitution that would make Barnes Wallace proud. Sensing brinkmanship, and embracing any challenge, no matter how banal, Simon opted for an eye-watering manoeuvre over the handlebars that only someone with family jewels considerably smaller than normal would ever attempt! With a difficulty of 5.5 Simon was clearly the winner, though his manhood is now in question. For the woman’s team it was left to Donna to demonstrate some derring-do, which she did admirably well by ignoring Alex’s warnings about the slippery path – and proved that it was indeed slippery.

And all this before morning tea! The second stage to lunch break was thankfully uneventful. On the way we stopped off at a local sweet factory to see how 'pop rice' and coconut candy are made – and then ate most of what was available. Lunch was a simple but nourishing affair – beef noodles or beef curry being the only options available.

Many bridges and ferry rides later we finally arrived at the end of our day’s cycle ride at 16:50hrs, covering a total distance of (just) 66kms in 8 hours – and yes some can run that distance in half the time....

Day 2 (02-Sep-2010) Ho Chi Minh City - Mytho

A leisurely start to the day, with the bus departing the Hotel at 07:30hrs. After a brief stop to visit the inside of the Notre Dame Cathedral we went to the Presidents Palace, scene of another momentous action famously caught on film when North Vietnamese tanks crashed through the front gates to finally put an end to the fighting that had savaged a nation almost non-stop since the end of WWII. This was followed by a tour of the War Remnants Museum, a very graphic experience designed to shock the visitor – and does so very successfully.

We then jumped back on the bus for a 2 hour drive out of Saigon to the starting point of our cycling expedition. We were all truly thankful that the organisers had spared us the nightmare of having to cycle out of town, as jockeying for position among 11 million mopeds would likely have been a bloody and ultimately futile exercise. The cycle ride along narrow paths through the swamps and coconut plantations of the Mekong Delta was truly fabulous, though a little frightening at times having to cross bridges that either had no railings, or swayed badly under flimsy suspensions. Other bridges adorned a minimalist wooden construction that not only lacked railings but also swayed badly under our combined weight - well Astrid's anyway. Other hazards included low lying fruit, falling fruit, oncoming moped riders with no spatial awareness, chickens with road rage, vagrant piglets running amok, rabid dogs and the endless mindless poetry from Barry.

The 38km route itself would be impossible to recall, and had the guides simply elected to go round in circles we would have been none the wiser were it not for our Garmin Forerunner GPS tracking devices. At journey’s end, however, the truck and bus were waiting to take us on the final leg to our Hotel in Mytho. Following check-in we attended to personal hygiene, which for some had clearly deteriorated during the day (we shall not mention names, but the guilty found themselves isolated at the back of the bus). We then had a lavish dinner at some very secluded Vietnamese restaurant, washed down with some of France’s finest vintage wines – at US$10.00/bottle.

Day 1 (01-Sep-2010) Singapore - Ho Chi Minh City

The flight to Ho Chi Minh City, still known as Saigon to most, was due to depart Singapore airport at 08:25 hrs. Reveille was thus at 04:45 hrs in time for our taxi pickup of 05:15 hrs. Bryan Hughes (a.k.a Energiser Bunny), one of our partners in crime on the recent kayaking trip to the Ningaloo Reef, had decided to opt for the Perth, Singapore, Ho Chi Minh route and so stayed at Castle Q&A the night before. He too therefore had the questionable pleasure of getting up early to join us on our trip to the airport.

Fortunately, our Dubai days are nothing but a distant memory, with the taxi turning up in plenty of time and with a driver who actually knew where he was taking us. Bliss! During check-in we met up with Donna and Alex. Alas, the ranks had been decimated in recent days and weeks through mental and physical injury, with just 5 of the original 9 team members from Singapore making in on the flight to Ho Chi Minh City.

Despite the high attrition rate, moral remained high, unphased by the daunting task awaiting us in Vietnam. And so following check-in and a quick breakfast we were on our way.

A short 2 hours later we disembarked at our initial destination and, although first off the plane, we were last through immigration due to time required to obtain entry visas on arrival. In Bryan’s case, this means now being allowed to enter Vietnam multiple times, thanks to an over efficient PA.

Tico, our guide from Spiceroads, and the person who will be cycling with us during our 4 days in Vietnam, was waiting for us at the other end and, following a short bus ride through the city, dropped us off at our first hotel for the trip - the Sofitel. During the brief trip to our destination, we witnessed a unique spectacle. This city of 10 million people has 11 million mopeds coursing its veins. Despite the obvious chaos this number of motorists creates, nearly everybody seems to be able to anticipate the unpredictable and wayward riding habits of everybody else. This collective conscience manifests in a living example of ‘organised chaos’.

Fortunately, the hotel allowed us to check in early and following quick ablutions, we regrouped for a quick (2nd) breakfast on the 18th floor, prior to having our first look around town. First we past the American Embassy, scene of final panicked evacuations at end of the Vietnam War so famously caught on newsreel. Next we visited the central post office, now housed in a recently renovated 19th century French colonial building, making it one of the most ornate post offices we’ve ever seen. Opposite is the Notre Dame Cathedral, a ‘mini me’ Romanesque version of the original in Paris, complete with 40m high twin towers, and built entirely from red brick. We then sauntered down old colonial tree-lined streets past the new (or recently renovated) Opera House and over to the Ben Thanh market. Two things standout as you navigate this route; 1) the maze of overhead telephone cables; 2) the dangers faced crossing the road, as each junction is treated as the starting line for the Assen TT - in all directions simultaneously!

Having navigated the hot and sweaty narrow pathways through the enclosed Ben Thanh market we beat a retreat back towards the Hotel, stopping off to visit a few art galleries on route, with Donna maxing out a few credit cards to buy the best on offer. The route home took us past the Saigon River, with Bryan awarded Medal of Valour for crossing the highway in both directions while managing to exude a truly stoic and phlegmatic disregard for life and limb.

After short snooze back at the Hotel we met Simon and the rest of the team over copious quantities of wine. We also gave Simon an early birthday present, a Canon G11 camera, complete with ‘self-timer’ feature which we expect will be Simon’s favourite. We then ended the day with a sumptuous feast at the Vietnam House restaurant next door to the gallery which Donna had visited earlier in the day - and now empty of paintings as a result.